I was watching the colossal cult classic ‘Head’ starring the Monkees on Turner Classic Movies the other night, and found myself getting in one of my typical mega-funks over the current state of what passes for culture nowadays. Around the time ‘Head’ was made, the Monkees popularity had nosedived over the fact that they didn’t play their own instruments and the revelation that they’d essentially been a concept borne from the noggin of director Bob Rafelson in order to cash in on some that rock’n’roll action that the kids seemed to be digging so well.

Despite their pre-fabricated origins, the Monkees were pretty damned great. They were charming, bright, funny, and they could sing their asses off. They became an instant smash with TV audiences and sold millions of records. Funny thing was, they became dissatisfied with being forced to record other people’s songs and the cartoonish image that Rafelson and the network machinery had carefully constructed for them. Ultimately they rebelled against these constraints, and things began to fall apart. When it was finally leaked to the public that they were in fact merely a concept and not a ‘real band’ their fate was sealed.

As a response to all of this, they made ‘Head’; an abstract, trippy commentary on the nature of conceptual reality and their struggle to be taken seriously as real artists while fighting to break free of their scripted identities. Written by Bob Rafelson and a then unknown Jack Nicholson, ‘Head’ is filled with amazing music and strange surrealistic vignettes which utilized war imagery as metaphor for the crass commercialism of the day while cleverly busting through the 4^th wall time and again – nearly a decade before Woody Allen was praised for it in ‘Annie Hall’. It’s a fantastic film, and it was the final nail in their coffin.

Unfortunately, they wound up totally alienating their core TV audience, and failed to pick up any of the ‘artsier’ crowd they were hoping to convert.

All I could think about while watching ‘Head’ was how something like it could never happen today. Could you imagine some pre-fabricated tweeny-bopper ‘band’ like One Direction rebelling against the constraints of their machinery and releasing a subversive art-house movie in order to smash their well-constructed and lucrative image to smithereens in the hope that they’d be taken seriously as artists? Sure, you often see transitioning tartlets like Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez sex it up  in order to garner an older audience, but that’s about sex…not art.

Thing is, craven machinations are something to be celebrated nowadays. No one gives a rat’s ass whether or not One Direction knows how to play their instruments, or whether they write or even sing their songs. Their meticulously crafted image is taken at face value and their commercial success is lauded. Try making a nasty remark about them – or any well-known celebrity of their ilk – on Twitter and the most likely response you’d receive from their fans would be something along the lines of, “You’re just a hater because they’re so popular and they sell so many albums, and you’re just a big fat loser and you’ll never be as rich and fabulous as they are.”

Pretty much guarantee you’ll never hear anything about art.

This leads to the question, “Where has the art gone in our art?”

Sad to say it’s nowhere to be found. Today’s starry-eyed tweeners aspire to become scripted. They dream to someday become unreal. They’d sell their souls to sell their souls.

Fortunately for me however, there’s more than enough art in the archives to keep me fortified until I croak. As long as there are stations like Turner Classic Movies for fogies like me, the sad state of what passes for culture nowadays will have absolutely no effect on me. I’ll just hunker down in my societal fallout shelter, with my vinyl records, old movies and a bottle of scotch, and keep the faintest glimmer of hope curling and dancing in the recesses of my mind that perhaps someday the paradigm will shift once again, and free will might once again rule the world.

According to a new TMZ report, Justin Bieber’s inability to keep his bodily fluids to himself may land him in some hot loogie. After a recent tantrum in which the pop idol got so cranky that he spit up at his neighbor’s suggestion that he refrain from speeding in a cul-de-sac, the L.A County Sherrif’s Dept. will now most likely recommend that criminal battery charges be filed against the dyspeptic, droopy drawer-d, dipwad.

Reportedly, the 19-going-on-three-year-old took his Ferrari for a spin around the neighborhood at over 100mph and when his irate neighbor dared to step toe on Bieber’s property to complain, the wink-y, lip licking warbler cried out, “Get the f*ck out of here, I’m going to f***ing kill you!” and then promptly expectorated on the poor man.

Officially, no recommendation has been made yet, as the investigation is not finished, however, sources are spilling that Bieber’s salivary escapade is part of a larger picture that has emerged in the past few months concerning the singer’s all-around douche-tastic behavior, and the Sherriff sincerely feels he needs to be spanked repeatedly with a ladle of medium to heavy weight until he promises to be a good boy.

Now, I’m not even going to comment on the fact that I’m decidedly perplexed that this nozzle de douche’s popularity amongst the teenage throngs continues to rage on unabated, because…well…I’m not the target audience – I know this ok! In fact I haven’t been for decades…hell I don’t think I’ve ever been. So, although I personally believe that the white noise that this dim-witted drip blarrts out of his rectum is the auditory equivalent to contemplating the cobwebs in the corners of your ceiling at 3:47 am whilst battling a severe case of cholera induced constipation, I will relent that perhaps to some pea-brained, know-nothing tweener, his music – such as it is – might come off as pleasingly peppy. So no, I’m not going to comment on his talent – or lack thereof.

I will say this though…

…PULL UP YOUR GODDAMNED PANTS NUMB-NUTZ!!

Between this nimrod’s perpetually pained facial expressions and those MC hammer genie slacks he’s got bunched around his ankles 24/7, he looks like he’s in a constant state of strenuous defecation. Seriously… how can he not realize how utterly ridiculous he looks?

Give it up already you pompadour-ed putz!

Oh yeah… and stop spitting, it’s a dirty habit.

Show: Homeland
Season: 2
Episode: 1,“The Smile”
Grade: A-
By: Willard, 1 October 2012

SPOILERS AHEAD

After nine long months, Showtime’s runaway hit and Emmy juggernaut Homeland is finally back. After emerging last fall as one of television’s best new dramas, expectations from fans of the series are higher than ever, and the first chapter of it’s sophomore season doesn’t disappoint. The tension is racheted up bigtime, courtesy of show creator and former “24″ head honcho Alex Gansa. Things get jittery literally seconds into the episode, when we learn Israel has bombed multiple Nuclear reactors in Iran, sparking protests around the Middle East, including one at the American Embassy in Beirut. Right off the bat, they’re hitting dangerous close to home(land).

When we last left our disgraced heroine Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes), she had been abruptly fired from her job as a counterterrorism agent with the CIA, and was electively undergoing electroshock therapy to treat her bipolar condition (a fairly incovenient malady, considering her career and National Security clearance level).

Season two opens six months down the road, and it appears that Carrie has put her all-encompassing professional and personal obsession with former POW, new Congressman, AND current terrorist Sergeant Nicholas Brody entirely behind her. As a result of her EST treatments, Carrie no longer “remembers Issa” (a key plot point in season one) and is now happily teaching an English as a second language course at a local Community College and enjoying gardening.

Sergeant Brody (Damien Lewis) has also been quite busy, as he’s now a Congressman and his name is even being floated as a potential VP candidate in the upcoming Presidential election. Mrs. Brody (the pixie-ish Morena Baccarin) is practically orgasmic over the news, and has obviously embraced her husband’s skyrocketing political career since expressing a decidedly bitchy attitude about the whole damn thing late last season. Their appropriately sullen teenage daughter Dana, (Morgan Saylor) is visibly less-than-impressed. One episode in, and it’s already crystal clear that Dana and her “Sumpin’s up wit Pop” vibe will be playing a big part of the proceedings moving forward. Brody’s close relationship with Dana makes her suspicions a little more potent than your average pain-in-the-ass teenager. She is her father’s weakness, and is quickly becoming a liability – on a multitude of levels.

Meanwhile, at the CIA – The shit is already, albeit unsurprisingly, going down. Carrie’s former mentor and father figure Saul Berenson (Mandy Patankin) and his incredible beard are no longer pushing pencils at Langley. He’s actually doing real “spy stuff”! After switching vehicles 007 style during a mild car chase,  he meets with a female “asset” in Beirut that claims to have information about an impending terrorist attack on America. The catch? She needs to speak to Carrie, who as it turns out, recruited her. Hmmm, imagine that.  While this little subplot of convenience does strain the credibility factor a little, it’s certainly more plausible than Brody’s meteoric and improbable rise from POW hero to Congressman in just a few short months.

Anxiety scrawled over his clammy, sweat-beaded brow – Lewis continues his dense, ambiguous portrayal of an impossibly conflicted man. His rise as the great American hero for a post 9/11 America at home has given him more power, but ironically, he’s now under more scrutiny than ever from his terrorist handlers and Bin Laden-esque boss, Abu Nazir – who is pressuring Brody to make something happen. They want action and as a result,  Brody is being backed into a corner he won’t be able to talk himself out of. The Congressman’s Stockholm Syndrome is ebbing fast, and Nazir knows it.

Predictably, the CIA asks Carrie to travel to Beirut to speak with the asset. After an on-the-job visit from a former underling, a hat-in-hand plea from Daddy Saul, plus a house call from her former boss and chocolate lover David Estes, she agrees to go – much to her protective family’s consternation. You knew she would. She had to. She just doesn’t want us to get hit again!

Brody’s increasingly comfortable world comes crashing down when an Al Qaeda-esque operative masquerading as a friendly journalist (cue NBC’s “intense” background music) invades his private office, and delivers the newly-minted Congressman a vague, yet threatening ultimatum. Across town, as if on cue, Daughter Brody interrupts what looks like a prep school young Republicans meeting, and reveals to an entire congregation of politically-connected snot-nosed Quaker youth, her father – (the Congressman! In case you forgot) is indeed a converted Muslim. Doh!!

MEANWHILE……..Carrie is just trying to get back to gettin’ her CIA groove on, but despite a seven dollar box of Ms. Clairol and some opaque contact lenses – she mad. It’s cool, though.. SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT US TO GET HIT AGAIN!

Back at the Brody cell, Dana’s douchehole classmate totally sold her out and Jessica finds out Nick has converted to Islam. This also sets off recent memories of cray-cray Carrie in the front yard, telling.. No, SCREAMING to 2/3rds of the Brody family he was a terrorist, and claimed he was out to kill the Vice President and half a dozen other Government officials. The seed has been planted. Awwwwww, shit! This is probably going to affect Nick’s status as a “floated potential VP candidate”, but we won’t be sure until next Sunday.

Later in Langleyville, Brody almost tips his hand in a brief, but tense sitdown with Director Estes. Estes is then summoned before a journalist, who (Duh-Duh Duhhhhhhhhh!) is Brody’s terrorist handler. Is Estes in on this shizznit? We don’t know, but he is toally down with getting some Arab tail. Either way, she can make Mr. Sexual Necktie Chocolate squirm.

Carrie has hit the streets of Beirut, and is being tailed by a baddie – No worries, though… She ducks into the local Burkas-R-Us, changes her head dress and pistol-whips the evil bastard.

What makes Homeland such a tight, incredibly crucial drama about terrorism, is that it is extraordinarily realistic – there are no Kiefer Sutherlands or Bruce Willises climbing skyscrapers or Federal Office buildings bursting at the seams with Jihadist spies.. That’s what makes it great. What is is truth? We don’t know. What happened to Brody’s suicide video? There was obviously a CIA mole last season, whats up with that? What kind of name is “Morena Baccarin”, anyway?  Will we get to see her breasts next week?

Remember Issa.

100. The Bilestoad (1982) Platform: Apple II One of the creepier games for the Apple II, The Bilestoad was a moody hack and slasher. Trapped on an island strewn with strange portals that enabled you to transport to different points in the arena, as well as other various objects, including yin/yang discs that you can stand on to accelerate your movement and strange “faces” that let you leave the level, you were locked in a battle with another knight with only an axe and a shield. The interesting things about this game were the top-view perspective and the bizarre musical soundtrack consisting of a ponderous, off-key re-working of Beethoven’s “Für Elise”. A lot of walking around is involved, which gave it a very zen feeling.

99. Amazon (1984) Platform: Apple II, Commodore 64 A graphical text adventure game by Michael Crichton. Yes, THE Michael Chrichton, author of “Jurassic Park”. You work for the NSRT (National Satellite Resource Technology), a top secret research firm. Waiting for a transmission from a team sent to the Amazon Rainforest, you realize the expedition has gone wrong, and it is your job to travel to the Amazon Rainforest and figure out what happened. This game was extremely well-written (it’s said to be a sequel to the novel Congo) and had a ton of ambience. I loved the character of the parrot, who becomes your sidekick during your adventures.

98. 7 Cities of Gold (1984) Platform: Apple II, Commodre 64 Seven Cities of Gold was a great exploration game that allowed you to assume the role of Christopher Columbus as he sets sail to discover the Americas. The game begins in April 1492 with your meeting with the Queen of Spain. You are commissioned four ships, 100 men, a years worth of food and 2,000 gold to outfit your expedition. After you assemble everything you take off for the new world. The cool thing about it was how the Americas begin completely blank and eventually fill up with all the major landmarks, rivers, etc… The interplay as you make contact with the natives was also a highlight

97. Jungle Hunt (1982) Platform: Arcade Game, eventually ported to numerous consoles One of my favourite arcade games as a kid, Jungle Hunt was side-scrolling arcade game that put you in the control of a pith helmeted, safari suit wearing jungle explorer out to rescue his girl from a tribe of hungry cannibals. In front of him are vines, he must swing from, a crocodile-infested river and falling rocks hurtling downhill at lightning speeds

96. Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain (1997) Platform: Playstation 1 Blood Omen, the first in the Legacy of Kain series, was a terrific RPG/action game with a ton of atmosphere. It takes place in the land of Nemesis, where you play a character of who begins the game overwhelmed by soldiers and murdered. However, this is not the end of your story… You awake in an eerie crypt, transformed into a vampire. Possessing an intimidating appearance, you now keep strangers at a safe distance. On your journey to reverse the spell, you get to use spells that range from causing your enemy to implode, to more harmless and practical one that light up a room or transport you back to your crypt. There are also transformation spells that allow you morph you into a wolf or a bat.

95. Bruce Lee (1984) Platform: Apple II, Commodore 64 One of the best platformers for the Apple II, you get to play the late martial arts hero with the goal of reaching a wizard from an underground lair, defeat of whom can offer him untold wealth. In each area you must collect the many strategically-placed lanterns before exiting through the newly-revealed passageway. Some rooms also have escalator-type sections to run along, and the standard (although slightly illogical in this context) ladders.

94. Speed Devils (1999) Platform: Sega Dreamcast One of my favourite racers of all time, Speed Devils was one among a ton of terrific games for the greatest console of all time, Sega’s Dreamcast. Great vibe to this one. It wasn’t about straight ahead car races as much as atmosphere… You get to choose from these cool hot-rods and challenge your opponents for money… It had a 50’s drive in movie sort of feel to it. The coolest thing were the tracks, whereon you encountered such obstacles as a T-Rex and a tornado.

93. Earthworm Jim (1994) Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) One of my favourite SNES games, Earthworm Jim was a terrific platformer with interesting touches, excellent graphics and a storyline that involved many colorful characters. The gameplay was off-beat and unique. Launching cows, using Jim’s head as a whip, and other bizarre twists add to the insanity. The player controls Jim at all times of the game. In the level sections, Jim can run, use his gun, swing on hooks, and get powerups for the blaster. The in-between levels called Andy Asteroids place Jim in a semi-3D race against the evil Psycrow. If Psycrow wins, then Jim must fight him in one-on-one combat in order to progress.

92. Moon Patrol (1982) Platform: Arcade Game, ported eventually to numerous other consoles This was a classic side scrolling arcade where you get to control a moon buggy, that travels over the lunar surface. While driving it, obstacles such as craters and mines must be avoided. You are also attacked by UFOs from above and tanks on the ground. Our local diner had this for years growing up.. I must’ve logged in hundreds of hours on that thing.

91. Dead Space (2008) Platform: Xbox 360, Playstation 3 Released in late ’08, this was one of the best games of the year and a fantastic new ‘Survival Horror’ franchise, Dead Space places you on board a stricken interstellar mining ship named the USG Ishimura, where you battle an infestation of virus stricken humans who’ve been transformed into grotesque alien monsters called “Necromorphs”. It is a truly scary game with a great plot and terrific responsive controls. The graphics are gorgeous, gory and glorious.

90. Ultima III: Exodus (1983) Platforms: Apple II When I was a kid, I was a total gaming nerd (I guess I still am, in a way). Names like Bill Budge (Creator of the Pinball Cronstruction Set) and Will Wright (who later went on to create the Sims franchise) were almost on the level of a rock star. One of the great game designers of this era was a kid named Richard Garriot, better known as Lord British, the creator of the Ultima series. Without Ultima, Role Playing Games (or RPGs) would look a whole lot different. He literally invented many of the paradigms that exist today. Ultima III, with its 3-D dungeons (that were integrated into the plot and remained the same, allowing you to create your own maps, where as before dungeons were randomly generated) and ability to direct the actions of several characters in one battle party set the standard for the entire genre. It was a completely immersive experience and graphically, it was amazing for the time. In short, this is the father of the modern RPG. A really cool thing about this game was the final villain couldn’t just be killed. The gamer had to use clever puzzle-solving and by paying attention to the many clues given throughout the game. At the end of the game, players were instructed to “REPORT THY VICTORY!” to Origin (the game company). Those who did so received a certificate of completion autographed by Richard Garriott

89. Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 (2000) Platforms: PlayStation, Nintendo 64, Dreamcast, Game Boy Color, Game Boy Advance, Xbox One of the all time HUGEST video game franchises was the Tony Hawk Pro Skater series. It was a bona fide phenomenon when it first came out, a must have for any gamer. The second installment in the series was pound for pound the best by miles (in fact, every sequel after that one started to get worse and worse). Its mix of amazing graphics, open-ended gameplay, in which the player (playing as a professional skateboarder) completes a number of missions which result in cash reward plus the ability to skate on basically ANYTHING on the screen was totally innovative. When you add to that the seemingly endless amount of tricks and combinations of tricks you could pull off and the multiple levels (my favourite was the S-K-A-T-E level where you collect the letters in that word), and trying to find the hidden tape, this game was unbeatable in terms of replayability.

88. Hard Hat Mack (1983) Platforms: Apple II, Commodore 64 Hard Hat Mack was like the Pac Man of the Apple games. It was synonymous with the whole Apple II experience. Every nerd with a floppy disk had a copy. Created by the then fledging Electronic Arts company, it was basically a rehashing of the arcade game sensation, Donkey Kong (which had come out just the previous year), but with a little more gameplay variety and faster action. The gist of it is the player guides a construction worker (Hard Hat Mack) through an unfinished building, to accomplish a series of goals, making use of open paths, springboards, conveyor belts, and elevators and taking care not to run out of time. It was simple, the graphics were solid (especially for the Apple II) and infinitely playable.

87. Leaderboard Golf (1986) Platforms: Amiga, Atari ST Leaderboard Golf was at the time THE best golfing game available anywhere… It was so great, that it STILL holds up. For the time, its multi-coloured 3D graphics were second to none, the gameplay and physics were unbelievably great as well. It was as golfing masterpiece that set the standards for all other golf simulations for years to come. What I really loved about this game was its stillness. There was no music at all, just very quiet sound effects: the ball dropping in the hole, wind blowing through trees and the sound of a sweet drive. It was a totally calming experience that felt a lot like golf. Plus, it was a great game to play with a few friends. My friend Dave had this on his Atari ST and we’d all get together and play this frequently. It could get really competitive.

86. Drol (1983) Platforms: Apple II, Commodore 64 In Drol, the player controls a robot flying through a four story maze. The goal is to rescue people and cute animals while avoiding traps and enemies such as alien creatures, snakes, eagles, magnets and axes. Although there were only three levels in the game, it still had tremendous re-playability, because the levels got more and more difficult as you replayed through them, to the point where you needed hair-trigger timing to finish the stages. The gaming house, Broderbund published this one… I loved Broderbund games. First off, I just loved the name Broderbund, it was cool to pronounce, but aside from that, they had THE best graphics going on the Apple II. Their cartoony style and unique gameplay set them apart from every other company in a major way.

85. Disney’s Aladdin (1993) Platforms: Sega Genesis, Super NES, Sega Master System/Sega Game Gear, Game Boy and NES Disney’s Aladdin was a video game based on the 1992 animated feature of the same name. It was released on every major platform, and the interesting thing about it, was all five versions were completely different games made by different companies. The SNES ruled over all of them. Published by Capcom (creators of the Street Fighter series, and later Resident Evil), the graphics were colorful with silky smooth animations that were the state of the art at the time… It totally captured the look of the movie and put you in the experience. It’s basically a side scrolling platform that revolves around you jumping on enemies, as well as vaulting off stumps to reach otherwise inaccessible areasyou are also armed with apples to stun opponents. The storyline more or less follows the plot of its namesake, the Disney full-length animated motion picture, with Aladdin going from a street rat to a prince, who first woos, and then has to rescue, the Princess Jasmine. The level designs were beautiful. My favourite level included a surreal world where Genie—dressed in a tuxedo—serves as Aladdin’s guide. Great sound in this one as well.

84. Carnival (1980) Platforms: Arcade Game, later ported to various consoles Carnival was a fixed shooter style arcade game created by Sega in 1980. It has the distinction of being the first video game ever to include a bonus round (involving a white bear you must shoot multiple times and each time the bear is shot, it reared up for a second, then begins walking more quickly in the other direction… I always felt bad for that bear) It was basically a videogame version of a shooting gallery. The goal is to shoot at targets, while carefully avoiding running out of bullets. The targets (which included rabbits, ducks, owls, and other bonus items) scrolled across the screen, in rows that alternated from left-to-right and right-to-left. If the duck targets from the bottom row weren’t shot, they eventually came to life and began descending towards you at the bottom of the screen in a zig-zag pattern. If a duck reached the bottom of the screen without being shot first, it ate some of the player’s bullets. Objects also periodically appeared among the targets that gave the player extra bullets when shot. On top of all this, a spinning wheel with eight pipes sat above the rows of moving targets; all the pipes had to be shot before the round could end. I loved this game.. totally had that “carny” vibe.

83. NBA 2K (1999) Platforms: Dreamcast The debut title in the much loved NBA 2K series, which has subsequently become the standard of excellence for all basketball video games, this was a revolution when it came out. Originally a Dreamcast exclusive, it had the best graphics, player animations, gameplay and extras of any sports game ever produced before. It was literally mindblowing at the time. When you add to that the secret moves and tricks, the patented 2K camera angle and deep franchise mode, you come up with a sports classic; a winner on all fronts that STILL looks great and remains the first (and for all it’s innovations) the best in the franchise.

82. Parappa the Rapper (1996) Platforms: Playstation 1 Also known as “PaRappaRappa”, and “PaRappa the Rappa”, this was one of the first “rhythm video games” While the gameplay was simplistic (but ingenous), the game is most remembered for its unique 2-D “paper effect” graphic design, quirky soundtrack, and bizarre plot. The game is named after its protagonist, Parappa, a rapping dog, with the motto “I gotta believe!”. Totally ahead of its time for its day, PaRappa the Rapper is kind of similar (in spirit) to the classic 1980s game Simon, in which the player is required to repeat a sequence of sounds and buttons. In this instance, the game demands that the player not only get the sequence correct but also the timing of the sequence, in a call and response format. The game provides small portions of spoken vocals that are triggered when the appropriate buttons are pressed. Pressing the buttons in the correct order, with the correct timing, provides an intelligible imitation of the words spoken by the character; pressing the buttons in an incorrect order or with incorrect timing rewards the player with nothing more than unintelligible gibberish. There is a overall goal for each level that is integrated into the story, e.g., one of the levels involves in getting your driver’s license which you must rap for (for some odd reason). Anyway, it’s fucking great… a totally Japanese game experience.

81. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2003) Platforms: PS2, Xbox and GameCube The first true next-generation sequel to the classic original game, the entire series was completely revitalised by Montreal’s Ubisoft with Sands of Time. Taking the franchise into the world of 3-D and doing it masterfully, the game still reflected the original platform game’s realistic movements of characters and ‘real-time’ effect of time limits to complete a level which made it a huge hit with new fans as well as old. The basic scheme of the game is to guide the Prince through a range of puzzles to he must work through, roaming the luxurious palace and its dungeons, as well as sword-fighting guards. The graphics were stunning and the level design was completely mind blowing… The main gameplay focus is on acrobatics and agility. Throughout much of the game, the player must attempt to traverse the environment by running across walls, ascending or descending chasms by jumping back and forth between walls, avoiding traps and so forth… and the twist is the inclusion of the Sands of Time, an hourglass that allows the Prince to literally control time. So if you screw up has the ability to “rewind” time and travel up to ten seconds into the past. But even with this “mulligan”, the game maintains its sense of urgency because you can run out of charges to make this hourglass work… In other words, you can still get killed.. which is necessary for any game. One more cool thing about this game is somewhere you can unlock the original 80s Prince of Persia game and play through it.. really cool.

80-61  |  60-41  |  40-21  |  20-1

Show: Revolution
Season: One
Episode Two, “Chained Heat”
Grade: C+

The writing continues to be the main weakness in this second instalment as, in typical JJ Abrams fashion, the characters act and react predictably and moronically.

Take this week’s early set up, obnoxious, main character Charlie, pulls a shit fit when her Uncle Miles is about to kill a bounty hunter (played by an extremely old looking C. Thomas Howell) who had tried to kill them.  She ends up guilting him out of it and, of course, C. Thomas ends up almost killing them again later.

I seriously don’t know how long the show can sustain the weight of such a hateful central character.  That’s what sunk shows like The Event, which had a way more intriguing premise than the stultifyingly dumb one of Revolution, i.e., all electricity inexplicably went dead so in less than 10 years the world becomes an anarchic mess controlled by a Militant Group that considers people who carry the American flag, rebels… uh yeah, ok.

How much is one supposed to suspend their beliefs?  I guess Abrams intends to stretch that question to its utmost limits.

Anyway, lemme make my way back to the actual episode, which this week was actually a scintilla better than the pilot.

The basic plot is Uncle Miles needs to find some woman (who you just know is gonna be an unrealistically hot babe) who is good at “blowing up stuff” in order to retrieve Charlie’s brother from the Monroe Militia.

After Charlie almost gets everyone dead (as mentioned above) Miles decides to continue on his own and meet his niece and her two protectors (who from now until the end of the season I will refer to as Google Guy and Brit Mom) in a couple of weeks in Indiana.  Selfish and insensitive as ever, the petulant teen decides to go after him and leaves her companions high and dry in the middle of nowhere.

This is actually proves to be the most effective scene in the episode and so far the series, as her friends discuss the electrical failure a bit more clearly.  Brit Mom reveals the reason she keeps a long dead iPhone with her is because somewhere in there contains the only pictures of her (assumingly dead) children, bringing up a surprisingly insightful point about today’s technology and just how tenuous it all is.  Google Guy reciprocates her candor with a revelation of his own as he fesses up to his being asked by Charlie’s father to bring the pendant flash drive thingy to a woman who would know what to do with it, thus leading him to the possibility that this black out is man made, and thusly, can be fixed.

Next we see the brother witness the killing a man who was in possession of guns (apparently a big no no).  One of the soldiers gets shot in the ensuing firefight and we see a surprising gentler side to his main captor (Giancarlo Esposito) who comforts the wounded soldier administering a fast acting poison to put him out of his misery.  This adds an interesting wrinkle to the plot… Is he a psychopath (as the brother calls him) or just a good man in a bad situation committed to the cause.

Charlie and Uncle Miles meanwhile do eventually meet up with the explosives expert they were looking for, who does, of course, turn out to be an unrealistically hot babe, in an elaborate fight scene wherein they retrieve a prized sniper rifle and Charlie bypasses her ethics and ends up killing two prison guards.  Explosives expert babe agrees to help them in return for their help in delivering the gun to a rebel base.

All this leads up to the final scene shocker that Charlie’s mother is indeed alive and being held captive by the President of the Monroe Militia.

So far, the series has the emotional content of a B level video game, but it is getting better… So we’ll see.

Band:

Reviewing albums can be a tiresome, wearying experience (see No Doubt review), however every once in a while you get a nice surprise and Billie Joe and the boys have delivered one in spades.

The last decade has probably been the most successful period for the band, what with the musical and the multi-platinum American Idiot album and all, which is ironic considering the music they were making was not particularly Green Day-sy, for lack of a better adjective. I always respected Armstrong’s decision to stretch himself out musically and politically, but it just never hit me on a gut level.

Thusly, I was reticent to hear what their latest offering sounded like, and I can say unequivocally that UNO! (the first of a TRIPLE album set to be released separately) is a true return to their Dookie form. From beginning to end they never let up with some of the purest, hard driving power pop that I’ve heard since.. well Dookie.

First and foremost, this is the best sounding album Green Day has released. Instead of going for any bells and whistles production-wise, they smartly spared it way down, leaving only the elements that made them great in the first place. Instrumentally, the band is on fire; the guitar cuts through like a straight razor, with Armstrong finally allowing himself to play a more than competent lead guitar throughout. Tré Cool, and Mike Dirnt have also stepped it up a notch putting in the best performance of their career. The rhythm section is everything that I ever wanted to hear from them but felt they never quite pulled off… Cool’s snare punches through every song with an energy that seems impossible for someone approaching 40, and Dirnt’s bass tone sounds renewed; looping and pulsing in perfect syncoptation with the kick.

Songwise, the album is packed front to back with tuneful, concise numbers with nary a dead spot… There are no fast forward songs here, from the blistering opener, ‘Nuclear Family’, that sports a killer solo and melodic middle eight to the uplifting ‘Carpe Diem’ to the romantic, Knacks-y “Sweet 16″ to the positively anthemic closer (and first single) “Oh Love”, which I didn’t even like when I first heard it, but in the context of the other songs it’s absolutely perfect.

All this makes Billie Joe Armstrong’s recent personal struggles even more sad and upsetting, and the humiliation they suffered by having their performance cut off and his subsequent breakdown over it all the more infuriating.

Here’s hoping he gets better soon, cause this is an album I’d love to see them take to the road.

A modern classic.

Band:

After listening to “Push and Shove”, No Doubt’s first album in nearly 14 years,  I really just want to say “Shit Sandwich” and be done with it… but that would be too easy.

Never a big fan,  even in their heyday, I did like them well enough to understand what great a pop band they were at the time.  It wasn’t hard to get the bubbly charisma of their glamorous, yet whimsical front person and they played well constructed, unique songs with vigor and precision.

The key word there is SONGS.  No Doubt had a string of iconic and different melodies during their 90s run, that are now woven into that era’s tapestry along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam and uh, I dunno, Boyz II Men.

If you think about it, they’re really the only massively successful band of their kind; a bubble gum pop group that made you dance with heavy guitar riffing, thumping bass and a rocking beat.

Although their major label debut “Tragic Kingdom” was the apex of their career with out and out classics like “Don’t Speak” and “I’m Just a Girl”, the two subsequent albums were interesting in their own way as well, with stand out tunes like the funkalicious “Hella Good” off “Rock Steady” and the yearning “Simple Kind of Life” off of “Return of Saturn”… I only bring this up to mention that listening to these old recordings now in comparison, glaringly highlights this latest release’s flaws even more depressingly.

And what are these flaws?

Well, basically it comes down to the fact that they haven’t produced anything 14 years, and when you’re gone for that long, most of the time you should stay gone.

For what we have here is the pop equivalent of “Chinese Democracy”; a derivative, overwrought, tuneless mess.

It just sounds like it’s been fiddled with to death, the classic effect of overproduction and that’s always a recipe for disaster.

You can tell they were on top of every note, feeling the weight of the world to come up with something great after all these years, desperately piling effect after effect on each track, thinking they were creating genius, but instead, ending up with a joyless morass.  It’s this lack of joy, which was such a key element to their success, that sinks “Push and Shove” and buries it at the bottom of the ocean.

For some reason, instead of returning to their upbeat energetic sound, they decided to go with a more “mature” tone, and sing about being in committed relationships and the struggles within, in other words, “I’m Just a Girl” grew up to star in a Lifetime Movie and who the hell wants to here that.  Most egregious in all this is Gwen Stefani is totally MIA in spirit and personality; sounding like she needs a long nap for most of the album.

Songwise, there are none, No ‘No Doubt’ songs anyway. The Middle-East tinged opening number “Settle Down” sounds like something off the Sex and City 2 soundtrack, and that’s the BEST track on the album. The rest of the collection ranges from bad Madonna outtakes to tired dance floor crapola, sung by a dispassionate Stefani.

I didn’t want to not like this. I had hopes… after all they’re my generation and they represent a part of my youth in some small way.  But I can’t prop this up and justify its myriad weaknesses. Moreover, I have neither the inclination nor the energy to knock it any further, it’s just that bad.

 Seems like Kanye and Kim are truly made for each other! According to Radaronline a steamy sex tape involving the talented rap artist and a sultry Kim look-alike has made its way onto the scene. Shot just before the famous duo got together, the tape is approximately 20 minutes in length, and features the rapper getting busy with the Kardashian doppelganger in a host of positions,

“In my expert opinion Kanye’s performance far outweighs Kim’s,” claims a San Fernando sex industry insider.

Of course, that wouldn’t be hard to believe for anyone who’s ever watched the porcine rumped reality star’s mechanical – and irritatingly whiny – romp with her former lover Ray J.

Yeezy supposedly isn’t too pleased with the imminent release of his filmed sexcapade and according to the insider was “practically in tears when he heard the tape was being shopped”.

Personally, I doubt it. In fact, I’m sure he’s been dying to put this out in the open for a number of reasons. A) It would somehow mitigate Kim’s tape and even out the score B) He probably wants to show the world how well he can get down and C) He’s a hopeless fame-whore.

Making the story even stranger – and more disturbing – is the fact that the girl he’s shlang-a-rangin’ is only 18 and MARRIED. She states this matter-of-factly in the beginning, opining, “My husband and I don’t have sex anymore… that’s why I’m here!”

The down and dirty proceedings are reportedly devoid of emotion, as the f-buddies do their thang with nary a kiss – on the lips at least.

If this tape does hit the market, I predict it’ll be even bigger than Kim’s, if only for the fact that the guy’s a veritable A-level star, with actual you know – talent.

Show: Louie
Season: 3
Episode: 12, ‘Late Show Part 3’
Grade: A

Louie wrapped up his compelling “Late Show” trilogy last night with style.

Through the last two episodes we’ve seen our favorite ginger haired comedian’s feelings vacillate over the possibility of being Letterman’s successor. In part three, he finally decides he wants it and wants it badly. This epiphany reveals itself in the office of Jack Daahhhhl (David Lynch) hosting guru extraordinaire, during a tension filled scene wherein the aged TV man prods Louie to bring the funny on the count of three… over and over again. Finally, an exasperated CK unleashes a barrage of goofy high pitched squeals and farting sounds… which buys him some more time, one week to be exact.

During this period, we see a renewed Louie box, jog Rocky style, and get himself into fighting shape; buoyed by the love and faith of his daughters. As he heads into the final test, a taped live show, he has trepidations, but he is ready.

In the green room Jack Dahl brings Louie a suit he had hand tailored and imparts his three rules of show business: 1) Look the audience in the eye and speak from the heart, 2) You have to go away to come back, and 3) If anyone ever tells you to keep a secret, that secret is a lie.

Immediately afterwards Jerry Seinfeld pops in to tell Louie that this test show was all for nothing as he had just signed the contract with CBS that morning, and he felt badly that they were still making him go through with it so he came to tell him personally… and oh, don’t tell anyone about it ‘cause it’s still a secret.

Suddenly, a devastated Louie is reborn as he remembers RULE NUMBER 3…. and he does a killer show.

In the end however, it IS all for naught, as his kid agent informs him Letterman has signed on for another 10 years, for two million a year less; it was all a ploy by CBS to bring down his price. Adding insult to injury, he can never be a guest on the show again as he is essentially dead to Dave for reducing his pay day… such is the entertainment biz.

However, the episode ends on a high note as we see Louie still boxing, still fighting. He’s won the moral victory and to someone like him, that’s maybe more important.

Although it would have been tantalizingly interesting to see Louie transform into a sort of updated Larry Sanders deal (if he had gotten the job), for at least a few more episodes anyway, it definitely would’ve straitjacketed the show stylistically.

Part of Louis CK’s genius and what makes Louie such breakthrough television is the surprising randomness of each story, each scene for that matter; you blink and a secretary changes into another secretary, a dog morphs into another dog, he’s got blonde blue eyed children and their mother is black etc… He’s never been concerned as much with telling a story as with creating an artistic moment. Whether or not an episode was successful or not, at least he was painting on a canvas that no other show on TV even gets near.

This is what made this three story arc so fascinating. He just dropped in this mini mini-series out of nowhere, with a devastatingly melancholy soundtrack, incredible cameo performances by Leno, Gary Marshall, Seinfeld, Chris Rock and David Lynch (who will be fighting Marshall for an Emmy next year) and a solid plot, and amazingly it seamlessly fit with the rest of the season somehow, which sadly is ending with next week’s finale.

Band:

Ben Folds Five haven’t seemed to have lost a step in the THIRTEEN years since their last release, “The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner”.

Their latest offering (since reuniting in 2011) is a rich mix of lounge rock, 70s piano man pop, late 60s Beach Boys shlock (that’s a good thing) and more than a pinch of 90s cynicism bolstered by dense harmonies and uniformly masterful playing throughout. In other words, it’s Ben Folds Five, and for their long suffering fans hungering over a decade for a new album, it’s a gift.

My main observation is that Ben Folds’ songs have finally caught up to his age.  At last the heavy lyrics and mature musical themes sound like their coming from the right guy.  This gives the material a far weightier and believable feel.  In other words, their vintage has hit its peak… so to speak.

On first few listens, there are no obvious singles in the vein of their 90s alt hit, “Brick”.  That doesn’t mean its devoid of solid tracks.  On the contrary, this collection of tunes as a whole is far more cohesive than their entire catalog, which always struck me as more than little inconsistent.

Highlights include: the melancholic turned blistering opener “Erase Me”, that sees the band zig zag from smoky jazz to Brechtian bombast; the lovely ballad, “Sky High” that sounds like something off a unreleased Jackson Browne album recorded in 1979;  and especially the wistful, “On Being Frank”, which is sung from the perspective of a former roadie for Frank Sinatra.  This one in particular packs a punch with a gorgeous string arrangement and nifty little piano solo.

Definitely a must listen.