Sandy Kenyon is the best movie reviewer in history.  He’s on TaxiTV, which you probably watch in the back of cabs when you’re drunk.  Check out this real review to see how hard he kicks ass.

If Sandy weren’t limited to only critiquing cinema, and could instead share his astonishingly penetrating insights on all Earthy endeavors… why… the world would be a wiser, more gentle place.  

Which is why I put on a wig and do it for him.  One random piece of shit at a time.

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Sandy Kenyon Reviews the World was created by Scott Eckert, a comedian in New York City.  The videos were shot by Justin Akin and Michelle Vargas.  Website design by Jacob Brown. Check out his terrific website HERE!

I tell you, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs when the follicular status of Justin Bieber is the biggest conversation going on the internet.

Personally, the kid looks ok to me. Of course, I never thought he was anything worth talking about to begin with. Still, I understand that I’m not the right target audience. It seems though, that a lot of tween-aged fillies out there are heartbroken over the Biebster shearing off his signature lesbian mop. I find that pretty harsh, I mean it’s just hair…no? Unfortunately for Bieber, by the time it grows back, his 15 minutes might be up.

Anyway, one reporter feels the Canadian duper-star may have made a HUGE mistake in clippin’ his noggin’, cause according to him now that you can see his face, ‘he’s a little creepy looking’.

Here’s his take:

Justin Bieber has a new haircut — and it’s ugly.  The mop-headed Baby Gaga has gone from early 1970s Popsicle throwback to every haircut you see in the young-hip-edgy-cool but outta style- world. 

His career is moving towards Overs-ville because the new and uninspired hair-doo reveals that Justin is actually a little beat in the face — maybe even a lot beat in the face.  He looks queenie —  like he should be in a high school drama club or something.

“I am so sad that he went to the messy “I could be in a vampire kinda show” look,”  said singer and hair inspiration guru Bobby Goldsboro. 

“He had a whole thing going because of the hair.  Now that he’s taken the hair up and off his face you can kinda see that he’s a little creepy looking. 

“His head is shaped like an alien head — and that’s saying a lot coming from a guy as homely as I am.  He could have been a style setter if he had gone retro-punk or something but instead he opted to look like everybody else.   That’s just a dagburn shame.  My 9-year-old granddaughter saw him on TV and he frightened her. ”

Bieber was not available for comment but former teen idol Donny Osmond is somewhere shaking his head because he knew, even way back before computers, that the moppy hair drew attention away from his chainsaw teeth.   The hair was keeping screaming tweens from realizing that their idol was actually kinda ugly and creepy looking. 

It also looks like the Beeb doesn’t have as much hair this year as he did last year —hmmm — is he another Joey Lawrence and balding young?  He’s been drawing a lot of attention to his hair lately.  You know what a psychiatrist would tell you about that, don’t you?   Bieber is also trying to make his eyes look bigger and that looks very swishy.  Say it ain’t so.

“The new haircut accentuates the odd facial deformities of this Canadian fellow,” said Dr. Fritz Gurrfroch of the Gurrfroch Insitute for Teen Development and Facial Oddities in Zurich, Switzerland.

“You can see that the center of the face around the nose is pushed in and gives the appearance of dwarfism.  There is also an odd outward thrust of the lips above the pointy jaw that gives the entire lower face a show-tune or soon-to-be show tune look.  I am afraid that Master Bieber will continue to get uglier as time goes on.  Even in the world of medicine we must accept that some people are cute when they are young and they grow up to be homely.  The same thing happens to puppies and kittens.  Have you ever seen an ugly puppy?  Of course not.

“There is also a Canadian thing happening here.  Many young Canadians singers grow up to be very ugly like Celine Dion.  There is something wrong with the climate or something but we are trying to figure it out because the average Canadian regular person is usually very attractive, but as soon as they get some kind of talent, they become ugly.”

-Damien

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Check out Damien’s incredible blog ‘The Damien Zone’ for insightful and genuinely funny commentary on the absurdities of the day!

You see him about 100 times a day and you’re sick of the way he strains his face to INSURE that his dimples are prominently featured.  And if you listen hard enough you can hear that he has a slight trace of an accent. He looks like he might be a little chubby and sometimes his head looks big and wide — other times he looks like a fashion model — you never know what you will get from the State Farm guy from one commercial to the next.

Is he Mexican?  Is he Cuban?  Is he from South America or Spain?  Nope — he is Puerto Rican and he’s from New Jersey <—–Wow, what an oddity. 

His name is EDDIE (EDUARDO) MATOS  and he left New Jersey in 1990 after high school graduation seeking fame and fortune in Hollywood  — and he kind of achieved it.  He’s been in a lot of soap operas and he played Ricky Garza on Port Charles.

According to people on his block in Los Angeles,  he is  ”like a good neighbor.”  And all you ladies out there who might want to have a crack at him are in for a huge let-down.  Seems that Eddie is already engaged to Vonage TV spokesperson Judy Comprez or Judy Compress – the woman who talks about the big turkey and the big Pernee or something in the Vonage commercials.

“I love Eddie because he knows how to keep the phone bill down,” said Judy Comprez or Judy Compress.  “He knows all about unleemeeted cahlling and all the features you get on Vonage.  He also does not mind that I wear ugly capes and giant black leather boots.  He thinks I am sexy and he understands what I am talking about when I talk about the big turkey and the big _____ on the Vonage commercials.”

Don’t hate on Eddie Matos, folks.  He is just an insurance salesman like Ned Reyerson in the movie Groundhog Day — only he is Spanish and he has gay dimples and he doesn’t tuck in his shirt because he might be a little fat now that he is almost 40 years old.  God bless him, he looks good for forty but his hair looks greasy and that annoys me.

-Damien

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Check out Damien’s incredible blog ‘The Damien Zone’ for insightful and genuinely funny commentary on the absurdities of the day!

These kids have got some good dating tips for old people, mainly…brush your teeth, shave your ears, take a shower and wear that JIMMY-HAT!

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‘Roving’ Rich Collier is a brother in arms, who likes to be called ‘moonlight’, but we prefer to call him ‘roving’. He’s an undiscovered genius, who fears one day he’ll wind up homeless, living in a cardboard box outside an OTB in Harlem. I disagree…he’s gonna make it after all! His colossal website ‘I Hate Young People’ is a celebration of all things young, arrogant and jaw-droppingly stupid…you MUST check it out! 

Chew on this dear readers…

Saw my ULTIMATE celebrity sighting today…guess who I saw suckas…in the diner, just around the corner from my apartment…GUESS!!

You’ll never guess…

…yep…Barry Williams…Greg friggin’ Brady…

I’ve met many a star in my day, from Bob Dylan to Neil Young…just SEEING Greg Brady ranks up there…

I know…you’re jealous. I would’ve said hi, but he was eating breakfast with his kid.

Sha na na na na…

Jeebus…it’s been that kind of a week. First that Serene Branson chick and now ole’  Thommy boy!

During a recent video shoot, Radiohead singer Thom Yorke suffered what appears to be a very serious seizure. What makes this all the more stunning was that it was all caught on tape! Whereas most other people would have put down the camera and come to the aid of a suffering individual, the fine folks within the Radiohead organization did the wise thing by keeping things rolling and staying the fuck out of Thom’s way until his seizure subsided.

Sure, he might very well have died, but, apparently proper procedures within the Radiohead camp are such that when one has the opportunity to capture an epileptic fit on video, you fucking take it.

Of course, the groundbreaking band known for eschewing convention at every turn has gone one better by releasing the footage publicly via their own YouTube channel. Apparently, Yorke and the band feel quite strongly that the positive benefits of making such footage available outweigh any potential down-side.

We must tell you that the images of Yorke losing complete control of his limbs are, at best, striking, and, at other times, flat-out painful to watch. At several points, we see him almost on the verge of regaining control of his own movements, only to again fall victim to the violent involuntary movements ravaging his body.

It takes a brave, confident man to bear this side of his soul to the world, knowing all too well that there are some who prey upon such physical weakness.

We  admire Yorke for taking a stand and shedding light upon a very serious issue. Perhaps, through such effort, a higher level of tolerance can be achieved and more funding can be channeled into further medical research so that a cure can be found. Until that day comes, this footage will stand as a reminder of the immense level of physical suffering people such as Yorke and others must endure on a regular basis.

If we were to list any complaint at all about the footage, it would be the somewhat tedious and boring music that accompanies the footage.

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Darren Robbins is a fellow graduate of the “Almost Famous” University, a gifted songwriter, raconteur and lovable curmudgeon.  When you’re not reading him here, check out his outstanding blog… BITCH-ASS MOTHERFUCKER…check out his new STORE as well.

Sandy Kenyon is the best movie reviewer in history.  He’s on TaxiTV, which you probably watch in the back of cabs when you’re drunk.  Check out this real review to see how hard he kicks ass.

If Sandy weren’t limited to only critiquing cinema, and could instead share his astonishingly penetrating insights on all Earthy endeavors… why… the world would be a wiser, more gentle place.  

Which is why I put on a wig and do it for him.  One random piece of shit at a time.

_____________________

Sandy Kenyon Reviews the World was created by Scott Eckert, a comedian in New York City.  The videos were shot by Justin Akin and Michelle Vargas.  Website design by Jacob Brown. Check out his terrific website HERE!

Apparently they don’t like any OTHER kind of music the kids are listening to today either…

In another gem put together by our intrepid journalist ’Roving’ Rich Collier, you can really see how far musical tastes have declined in the past couple of generations. I personally like the bit when once you person expresses her disdain for ‘old’ music because it’s ‘not efficient’.

Genius.

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‘Roving’ Rich Collier is a brother in arms, who likes to be called ‘moonlight’, but we prefer to call him ‘roving’. He’s an undiscovered genius, who fears one day he’ll wind up homeless, living in a cardboard box outside an OTB in Harlem. I disagree…he’s gonna make it after all! His colossal website ‘I Hate Young People’ is a celebration of all things young, arrogant and jaw-droppingly stupid…you MUST check it out! 

Chew on this dear readers…

If God doesn’t play dice with the Universe, as Einstein famously once said, then how do you explain the platypus…

…or Sarah Palin?

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‘Roving’ Rich Collier is a brother in arms, who likes to be called ‘moonlight’, but we prefer to call him ‘roving’. He’s an undiscovered genius, who fears one day he’ll wind up homeless, living in a cardboard box outside an OTB in Harlem. I disagree…he’s gonna make it after all! His colossal website ‘I Hate Young People’ is a celebration of all things young, arrogant and jaw-droppingly stupid…you MUST check it out!