DVD REVIEW: ‘Twilight – New Moon’ … Kristen Stewart twitches, Robert Pattinson broods and Taylor Lautner shines in this overwrought melodrama‏

RATING

So ‘New Moon’ was just recently released out on DVD and as I’d yet to see it, I thought I’d give it a whirl.  Anyone who’s been reading the Z-Report knows my thoughts on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s acting abilities, or rather lack thereof, but I felt to be thorough, I should really inform my opinion to the fullest extent. Alright, so now I’ve seen it and I can honestly say with  absolute and total confidence – they both suck donkey schlong. You may call my assessment harsh, sophomoric, and lacking in finesse, but I can’t really think of any more sophisticated way of summing up their performances in this overwrought, convoluted, cheese-fest. Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean I thought the film itself to be totally devoid of merit. For the most part, it was pretty goddamned unbearable, don’t get me wrong, but there were one or two bright spots. First though, let’s start with the unbearable.

If I had to describe this film to a friend, I’d break it down thusly, “Picture Twin Peaks, with none of the whimsy, fun, unique characters, or fascinating plot twists. Now add werewolves and vampires, an overriding malaise, laughably amateurish Harlequin Romance dialogue, and the unfortunate fact that no one dies.”

That’s pretty much ‘New Moon’ in a nutshell.

Kristen Stewart scrunches her shoulders, furrows her eyebrows, bites her lip, stutters and stammers, while Pattinson spends the entire film desperately trying to maintain a three quarter profile in order to hide the fact that his face is flatter than Ke$ha’s ass. The story unfolds at a clunky, creaky pace, playing out like the masturbatory fever dream of a 12 year old girl. If I was a pre-pubescent young gal, there would be a lot in this buffet I’d enjoy. I mean, it’s really a plain girl’s fantasy when you think about it, with its hoard of shirtless, buff young men, scads of powdered dandies smeared in red lipstick, and even the tertiary geeky ‘funny’ friend, all of whom place their entire focus on the uninteresting, twitchy, scrunchy, needy, clingy Bella.

This is the basic premise of the film, everything in the town somehow revolves around Bella.

In this sense, I get it. I mean, I WOULD get it, if the audience for this thing was relegated to the tween set. What I don’t understand is how anyone over the age of 13 could find anything remotely interesting about it.

After watching this, I can really say with impunity – screw you Twi-Moms, you pin headed muldoons!!

Ok, wrapping it up, here’s what I thought wasn’t half bad about it – Taylor Lautner. He brings some genuine tenderness and charm to his role, and I liked the werewolves, they were furry, snarling and kind of cute. So, the CGI werewolves and Taylor Lautner saved this film from being UTTERLY irredeemable.

So to re-cap:

Pattinson and Stewart – hell no!

Twi-moms – SUCK IT!

Taylor Lautner and CGI werewolves – Pretty damned good.

That is all.