An open letter to Jennifer Aniston…

Dear Jennifer,

If you and I were friends in real-life, getting together occasionally for coffee and whatnot, I get the feeling you’d be the kind of gal who’d always insist upon meeting at Starbucks.  I mean, let’s face it, those crappuccinos and asspressos they serve all taste like “ass in a glass”, hence the reason Starbucks has unknowingly become a shrine for people with more money than taste.  In a nutshell, a woman who willingly drinks Starbucks coffee but refuses to blow the man she confesses to love fresh from a workout, sweat dripping from his pubes, is a hypocrite.

You, Jennifer, have also, perhaps unknowingly, come to represent those types of women.

Of course, your taste in film roles serves only to set this image in concrete, with you going out of your way to cast yourself as the one semi-hot woman any man can live without.  It began in “The Break-Up” where even a decent shot of your backside couldn’t make your character likable and continued to “Marley & Me” where you played a woman whose biological clock had become so annoying to her hubby that he bought her a dog.  From there, you attached yourself to the cinematic Hindenberg that was “He’s Just Not That Into You” as the eternally single and clueless Beth Murphy.

Then, of course, you appeared opposite Aaron Eckhart in “Love Happens” – only problem was that Eckhart is not a romantic lead, no how, no way.  I didn’t buy it, neither did the rest of the planet.

Ditto for “The Bounty Hunter”, which paired you up with Gerard Butler, who, near as I can tell, can’t quite figure out how to work a freakin’ shaving razor.  Note to Hollywood, Butler may make a fine gladiator or grease monkey, but please spare us the attempts to turn him into a romantic lead.  Ain’t.  Gonna.  Happen.

Okay, back to you, Jen.

Your next, and current film is “The Switch”, where you play a woman who has become so jaded about love and the prospect of ever finding that special someone to share the rest of her life with that she not only decides to undergo artificial insemination, but also feels the need to throw a freakin’ party to celebrate that fact, filled with tons of annoying friends who *GASP* are also single.

Jen, babe, you’re better than this.  I realize that you could never pull off a break-out role like Sandra Bullock did in “Speed”, but enough with the needy, yet distant ice queen act.  It’s not working.

Babe, what you need to do is grab the first role that portrays you as someone everybody wants, but that the funny little nerdy guy ultimately gets.  You need to stop willingly portraying yourself as “little girl lost with the above-average rack” and stake your claim as Jennifer *BLEEPING* Aniston, the woman Brad Pitt chucked to the curb but who he fantasizes about every time St. Angelina brings home another Cambodian orphan.

It’s not too late, Jen.  You’re still damn attractive and you might even be able to act.  I can’t imagine that its all that fun playing yourself in every film role you accept, though.  See, the thing about acting is that you get to do what most people never get to do and play other people.  Seriously, you should try it sometime.

Yours truly,

Darren

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Darren Robbins is a fellow graduate of the “Almost Famous” University, a gifted songwriter, raconteur and lovable curmudgeon.  When you’re not reading him here, check out his terrifc blog… HE’S A WHORE…check out his new STORE as well.