Kim Kardashian.

Rounding off the list were these heavy hitters.  Amazing, no writers or painters, no inventors, no historical figures (where are you Jesus?)… Hell there’s not even a sports figure on this list (unless you count golf as a sport).

2) Sandra Bullock
3) Tiger Woods
4) Lady Gaga
5) Barack Obama
6) Kate Gosselin
7) Justin Bieber
Jesse James
9) Lindsay Lohan
10) Jennifer Aniston

The most popular general searches were…

1) Kim Kardashian
2) Sandra Bullock
3) Tiger Woods
4) Lady Gaga
5) Barack Obama
6) Hairstyles
7) Kate Gosselin
Wal-Mart
9) Justin Bieber
10) free

Walmart… Hairstyles… and free.

Wow… THOSE are the top three search words other than the vacuous celebrity.

That’s right America… you guys are a bunch of morons

Dear Jennifer,

If you and I were friends in real-life, getting together occasionally for coffee and whatnot, I get the feeling you’d be the kind of gal who’d always insist upon meeting at Starbucks.  I mean, let’s face it, those crappuccinos and asspressos they serve all taste like “ass in a glass”, hence the reason Starbucks has unknowingly become a shrine for people with more money than taste.  In a nutshell, a woman who willingly drinks Starbucks coffee but refuses to blow the man she confesses to love fresh from a workout, sweat dripping from his pubes, is a hypocrite.

You, Jennifer, have also, perhaps unknowingly, come to represent those types of women.

Of course, your taste in film roles serves only to set this image in concrete, with you going out of your way to cast yourself as the one semi-hot woman any man can live without.  It began in “The Break-Up” where even a decent shot of your backside couldn’t make your character likable and continued to “Marley & Me” where you played a woman whose biological clock had become so annoying to her hubby that he bought her a dog.  From there, you attached yourself to the cinematic Hindenberg that was “He’s Just Not That Into You” as the eternally single and clueless Beth Murphy.

Then, of course, you appeared opposite Aaron Eckhart in “Love Happens” – only problem was that Eckhart is not a romantic lead, no how, no way.  I didn’t buy it, neither did the rest of the planet.

Ditto for “The Bounty Hunter”, which paired you up with Gerard Butler, who, near as I can tell, can’t quite figure out how to work a freakin’ shaving razor.  Note to Hollywood, Butler may make a fine gladiator or grease monkey, but please spare us the attempts to turn him into a romantic lead.  Ain’t.  Gonna.  Happen.

Okay, back to you, Jen.

Your next, and current film is “The Switch”, where you play a woman who has become so jaded about love and the prospect of ever finding that special someone to share the rest of her life with that she not only decides to undergo artificial insemination, but also feels the need to throw a freakin’ party to celebrate that fact, filled with tons of annoying friends who *GASP* are also single.

Jen, babe, you’re better than this.  I realize that you could never pull off a break-out role like Sandra Bullock did in “Speed”, but enough with the needy, yet distant ice queen act.  It’s not working.

Babe, what you need to do is grab the first role that portrays you as someone everybody wants, but that the funny little nerdy guy ultimately gets.  You need to stop willingly portraying yourself as “little girl lost with the above-average rack” and stake your claim as Jennifer *BLEEPING* Aniston, the woman Brad Pitt chucked to the curb but who he fantasizes about every time St. Angelina brings home another Cambodian orphan.

It’s not too late, Jen.  You’re still damn attractive and you might even be able to act.  I can’t imagine that its all that fun playing yourself in every film role you accept, though.  See, the thing about acting is that you get to do what most people never get to do and play other people.  Seriously, you should try it sometime.

Yours truly,

Darren

______________________________

Darren Robbins is a fellow graduate of the “Almost Famous” University, a gifted songwriter, raconteur and lovable curmudgeon.  When you’re not reading him here, check out his terrifc blog… HE’S A WHORE…check out his new STORE as well.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000098/#actress

Going to the movies can be a discouraging affair. Every new cinematic offering is simply a half-assed regurgitation of tired old themes that have been covered more insightfully by filmakers a million times over. Studios are so devoid of ideas that they puke out horribly irrelevant re-makes, hoping to hit upon something new. Think about that logic for a second. Does anyone need to see a “reimagining” of “Footloose” or “Fame?” Jeez, I barely survived the originals!It’s a sad time to be a cinephile, I tell you. Everything being produced is just this absolute common denominator, one note, coma-inducing pablum. What’s worse is, these films are being populated by such uninspiring ciphers.

Huh? What? Who’s a cipher, you say?

Take a look: here’s a list of the five “One Note Wonders”, actors with a limited range who’ve been giving the same performances — and getting away with it — movie after movie, year after year:

5) Kristen Stewart

Stewart’s acting style is nothing more than a shoe-gaze-y collection of tweaky tics, starting with the lower lip jut/furrowed brow combo, accompanied by the jittery Vietnam vet shoulder scrunch and ending with an open mouthed sharp intake of air…which makes her appear remarkably like a suicidal trout eyeing land. Rather than actually developing her characters, each portrayal of hers is a mere rearrangement of these tourette’s like convulsions. When you add to all of this her often unkempt hair and permanently vacant expression, she really looks a lot more like an escaped mental patient than an up and coming starlet. Worse yet, she’s got such an actively unpleasant persona. Each role she takes is performed with such a peevish air, as if she’s colossally bored and unhappy for having been rousted from her onset trailer, where she’d been contentedly writing in her diary, listening to “The Jesus and Mary Chain,” and drinking case after case of Diet Dr. Pepper.

Now you tell ME, are these not the same exact scene?? These are two different movies folks!!

4) Will Ferrell

Aside from his genius performance in “Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy,” Will Ferrell has been the absolute definition of “‘One Note” in every other movie he’s been involved with to date. In the beginning, his shtick was funny enough, so much so that it hardly mattered he had all the dramatic range of a used tongue depressor, but lately he’s become pretty intolerable. Trying and failing miserably in more serious fare like “Stranger than Fiction” and “Melinda and Melinda,” Ferrell seems happy enough nowadays to just crank out absolute crud like “Step Brothers” and “Semi-Pro”. Sadly, he’s felt it necessary to take John C. Reilly with him down the rabbit hole. It is truly unfortunate as Reilly is actually a legitimately great actor, and slowly but surely his association with One-Note-Will is starting to take its toll.

3) Jennifer Aniston

Relying on the fading glory of her shag coif, and her tired template of comic facial expressions, Aniston’s work is hackneyed, uninspired and totally irrelevant. Each schlocky movie of hers is more irritating than the next. They all seem like sadistically extended throw-away episodes of “Friends.” I don’t know if it’s her Camille-like drawn out obsession over the break-up of her marriage with Brad, or just the fact that she has the emotional depth of a fig newton, but for her sake (and all of ours) she should have her SAG card confiscated, get a good therapist, and go on E-Harmony – pronto!

2) Michael Cera

Out of the glut of “sensitive, awkward types” plying their trade today, no one is more one-note than Michael Cera. His permanent deer in the headlights gaze and stutter-y Kermit the Frog on helium delivery was semi effective in the highly overrated “Arrested Development.” But, his subsequent turns in films like “Juno” (a masterpiece of pretension) and “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist” have been as compelling as watching a plank of wood collect dust. As far as I’m concerned, actors like Jesse Eisenberg and Anton Yelchin have far more to offer if you’re looking to cast a movie about a young, neurotic, gawky loser. All Cera brings to the table are a pair of knobby knees and a voice that sounds like he’s been clopped in the nuts with a sack of oranges.

1) Ben Stiller

There used to be a time when Stiller was genuinely amusing. With films like “Flirting With Disaster” and “The Cable Guy,” he delivered major laughs with his unique brand of silliness, capturing perfectly the emotionally stunted, repressed rage of a generation. But after a barrage of tepid, inconsequential drek like “Envy,” “Along Came Polly,” ”The Heartbreak Kid,” “Duplex,” “Meet the Parents/Meet the Fockers,” “Dodgeball,” “Madagascar,” and “A Night at the Museum,” those days are long gone. When Adam Sandler and Jim Carey are surpassing you in the depth department, you know something’s amiss.

Still, I hold out hope for Ben. Unlike the others on this list, I believe he can turn it around. All it would take is a juicy part in a flick by Tarantino or Scorsese and he’d be back with a vengeance. Of course, it’s all up to him. He just seems so content to crank out the scatalogical, sophomoric, lazy drivel, that at this point it’s hard to imagine him actually putting in a decent performance.

So there you have it, the “Top Five Lamest Actors” out there today!

After writing this piece, I feel positively sticky with mediocrity. I think I need to watch “The Godfather” and cleanse myself!